ruby sky

Is the sun shining now? God. It doesn't feel like the sun will ever shine again. The only comfort I can keep is that I know it will and I will move on, slowly and with new wounds.

How is it that I haven't been completely hardened? I find satisfaction in being an open book. I'll bear my chest and let 'em stab me in the heart. They can't hurt me any worse than I would hurt myself. I don't need a veil, a mask...

I feel like I want to climb to some place high and scream in the rain, let thunder strike me, let the elements destroy me. It doesn't really matter. I'm here and the world will know the force of my presence. There is good inside me and it will shine. It must shine! Because if it doesn't, then why do I even try to be... We're just microscopic specks in a gigantic universe and what does it really matter to be good? This world will grind you to bits. And for what? For some cosmic ideal, for some vague notion of the everafter? Does any of it matter?

Driving back from your place after dropping off your things, I just stared out at reality and only now it seems one dimension removed. It matters less. I'm on a different plane now. My world is too good for this one. You leave me now in anger. I have none to return, only a sadness that I passed through your life in this way, but you can use what you need. Hate me if you wish, but there is good inside me.

I'm sure the skies have opened for you. Perhaps you feel a great weight lifted, doors unlocked to wonderful opportunities. I know this because I was there once. I broke the heart of somebody who loved me deeply and walked out the door frivoluously, cheerfully, wishing her the best with a grin, offering up charitable acts to prove the sincerity of my shallow love even as I rejected the real stuff. I convinced myself that I didn't do anything wrong, that I did the right thing. I patted myself on the back, You did the manly thing in there, old chap. Maybe I did the honest thing but there wasn't anything manly about it. The only reason I left was because I was not mature enough to deal with real love and a real relationship. And it haunts me now because I understand now what I had and I realize now that what I did was simply an act of cruelty. You can be cruel without trying.

I don't really know what to say. Other than I thought I saw you lurking, waiting for an opening to strike, to leave. I have a feeling why but you won't tell me. You have your spoken reasons but there are unspoken ones that you won't say or don't want to face. It doesn't really matter anyway. If there is one thing I'm slowly learning is that ethics are flexible and morals are for suckers. I wish I were more coldblooded but I only know how to exist this way.

I thought you loved me completely.