a strange homecoming

Coming back to Taiwan after so many years has cured me of my hang-ups about being Asian in America and what that means. I was so disenchanted with the crossbred rat-race-paper-chase-meets-hiphop-nation version of "Asian" culture in college that I spent years running as far away from it as I could. I did not want to live up to those expectations, so I reclassified myself.

I don't pretend that the unpleasant aspects I've tried to escape are absent in Asia. In Taiwan, people talk about how the mainland Chinese have acquired a cynical capitalist perspective (think of all the stereotypes about hardworking Asians but take away the part about being honest and having integrity). The paper chase is definitely alive and well here, as it is in most capitalist countries, but taken out of the context of America's Model Minority and put under the larger umbrella of real Asian culture and all the love that's behind the drive to obtain a good education, to forge a career, to marry a "nice Chinese girl" is brought out. It really softens everything. These things aren't directives, marching orders; they're simply what every parent would want for his or her son or daughter. "Nice Chinese girl" is more or less a synonym for "a girl with good values". And really, forget about pleasing the parents, the girls in Taiwan are hot, hot, hot.

I'm starting to realize that my relatives have no concept of what my life is really like...  though I suppose they surmise a bit from the way I dress and my - as one uncle put it - "kid face" (somewhat literally).  I wonder what they really think...  I sometimes feel self-conscious because I'm not properly projecting the image of a 30 year old white collar professional working in the US:  I make adjustments to my body language and dabble in "adult speak".

I probably have that wandering look, like I still don't know what the f*ck I'm doing. I probably look like what I am: a dabbler, still a kid, only now playing with more expensive toys, trying out new abilities for kicks but not taking the time to master anything, not committing to anything. Always the kid, with every option in front of him. Sounds wonderful, except for the fact that it is no longer true. Unlike our dear Madonna, ordinary citizens beyond a certain age threshold are rarely allowed to re-invent themselves without substantial consequences.

Yeah, if you can't tell, there are definitely aspects to my current configuration that I dislike but I've managed to retain a freshness that I hope to never lose. I can still play. I find humor in everyday things. I can find it difficult to "maintain composure" (as a friend put it) around cute girls. I guess smirking and smiling like an idiot equals loss of composure when you hang out with exceptionally cool people.

I really don't know what the plan is right now. And therein lies the crux to every problem.