you killed me.

I am more than a little upset today.

Yesterday my loyalty to you was tested and loyalty won. I was proud of myself. I thought to myself, I must really love her. But then I thought of Tuesday and how your heart has never been completely mine and I broke down. For all my good intentions, for all the pain and effort we've put each other through, where are we now? At exactly the place.

When I wanted to leave, and you begged me to stay, I stayed because I cared about you as a person. I had a big heart. I knew you were too weak at the time and I wanted to help you.

When I needed you, you left me stranded. You destroyed me at a crucial time, when I needed to be at my best for school.

I am so angry with you right now. Why have you been so selfish?

pictures of you.

I took those pictures for you. But they were for him.

the lash

Discipline. That's all I have now. I'll bind myself in rules: "never do's", "must do's", "supposed to do's". Drown my grief in the monotony of obeying my own commandments. Revel in my righteousness to avoid admitting that I put myself in jeopardy.

It was a long time coming, brother. Yes, it was.

another lovely poem

"El Alacran Guero"- Cisneros

They say el alacran guero can kill
you. that's what they say.
of all the scorpions that exist,
the white one is the deadliest.

one sting
makes the tongue thick,
asphyxiates
before you know it,
you are another
fatality.

Beware el alacran guero
whose grief arrives delayed.

Even if all your life you
you'd been warned
even if youve snuffed
your eyes to their beauty
like a passionate St. Lucy
you are not immune.

unaware is how Death
will find you. Coiled in
your righteous sleep.

Never doubt the one you love.

That's the truth, brother.

You're either in or out. Believe or don't believe. Half measures... no, that's not the way it works, brother.

She loves you. Do you believe that? Because if you do, then you must never doubt her.

Do you believe she has a beautiful soul? Because if you do, then you must never doubt her.

A beautiful soul would never do that to you. She loves parts of you and fears your demons. Slay them then for her. They protect your heart and keep it black and hard, but you can never love like that. You will be as you are now, an empty shell, a husk of a man, a child who fears monsters that don't exist.

Do you love her?