save yourselves

You ask my advice and I only have canned answers. They are perfect, given the circumstances, but from the heart? Certainly not.

In a parallel, braver, universe, I'd tell you that life is too short. That the world is full of possibility, that there's no need to be afraid, no cause for alarm. That chaos can be controlled and that sometimes to create something beautiful, you need to bring a little bit of ugly. Jump in to the fray and bloody that lip! There's no time to argue, I'd say. I know it's hard. But you're a tough girl - you really are. I know you can do it.

Sigh.

Deja vu.

Once again I will ask another to jump without a parachute. Publicly, it's for her own good. Truthfully, it's a little bit for me. Something of a silly test.

It comes back to me. The phone call. The sobbing. "I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. I tried but I just couldn't do it." I suppose I'll never know if I had anything to do with it, or if I just happened to be the only available ear for the given hour. Let me guess, second person dialed?

Maybe you never knew but I had promised myself I'd be there to catch you. It's tragically easy to be heartless when the margin of error is so delicate. I'm sorry.

flashback

I opened my eyes and thought of you. I thought of the way you used to look at me, with such kind eyes.

The room seems eerily white, lit only by the bluish glow of my laptop screen. My vision is really clear. I’m wide awake, eyes open. I can see the lines of the walls and ceiling perfectly. This feels like a different place. In Chinese, I think "I understand." I never think in Chinese. Wow.

Once you’ve experienced a moment of real love, everything else seems so coarse. My made-up misery over silly crushes, my self-indulgent melancholy, my fantasies, what are they when compared to our best moments, or our worst? They seem so vulgar to me right now. Is this the real me? Or, am I just trying out another type of sadness?

I can’t even answer my own questions.

It occurs to me that I may not even be capable of the kind of love required for a real relationship. I always seem to be inches away. I can imagine what it'd feel like, but I can't feel it: a door opens a bit, just enough to let the light in, but never enough to see what's on the other side.

Most of all I feel sorry that such random bounces of life, silly missteps here and there can ruin something that could have been so beautiful. Can I learn not to take everything so seriously? To let things slide? To see the bigger picture? Is this the making of a sucker? Or a tolerant, normal functioning human being who realizes that life isn’t perfect and that you have to roll with the punches? I wonder.

I wish I had pictures of you on my laptop. I miss you sometimes. I really do. I have to admit I don’t think about you much now. I try not to, because it’s very easy for me to dwell. I have a long memory (you know this) and I am trying to move on, because I know you are and I know that realistically, it will never be what we would have liked to become.

quotable.

Names have not only been changed, but generously embellished, to protect and honor the innocent.

Rocker: "So, guess what, I described some of the recent events of Excitable New Guy to Rock Out Neighbor and he said he's got to be a tweaker!"

The Professor: "Your classic speed freak can be controlled."

Rocker: "I'm not interested in that."

The Professor: "Well, the world is full of different animals."

Me: "You just need to find the right cattleprod."

my mum wants me to buy dumbbells.

Yes. It is true. My mum. Mother. Moms. My mom wants me to buy dumbbells. She wants me to beef up a bit. Or to use language of years past, to get huge.

Is this worse than the night, when in a burst of what I suspect was slight frustration, she ventured to ask if I were gay? (I pretended to be outraged.) No, it's not worse. Not better. Not worse. Actually, thinking about all the little nags just makes me smile. It's rather cute. That's just my moms. As I get older, I just have more respect and love for my parents. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about not being able to fulfill all their hopes, but that's my own deal. I know they accept me regardless. And hopefully one day, I will surprise them. But I suppose, I'm doing just fine for now.

Which brings me to the lesson of the day: nothing wrong with a little improvement. Where's the nearest sports supply store?